Right now I'm living in Toronto, doing a cubicle job and playing music as much as possible. The work I'm doing suits me (data management) but I'm underpaid and receive no benefits because I'm "on contract" (renewals every 6 months, for now) which I think is an immoral accounting trick. I'm looking but not holding my breath.

I get by OK because I live quite simply and have no kids, pets, TV, car, or debt payments. I think I could do better financially and am looking into obtaining some kind of tech credential, probably related to working with databases. I understand that my "life's work" and my livelihood may never be the same thing and that's OK.

I'm playing drums in a band that sounds amazing live, but we haven't put together any recordings that do it justice yet. I don't think we'll ever be popular, but the music is fantastic and the way it feels even in practice is a major peak experience, every week. I've also recently joined another group that is more gentle and mellow and I still play flute and sing. I also go to drum circles and many concerts. I feel music more viscerally than most, and that alone is enough to keep me going, to give me a sense of purpose in life.

Lately I've been thinking about writing more than I write but that's changing. I have about 200 pages of a novel and I'm going to cut out the boring parts and retool everything. I'm aware that I've been "going to" do this for awhile but yet I'm confident that when it's time, it will happen.

I'm older but still look mostly the same, if not better. I'd like to find someone to "be with" but not liking TV alone makes me incompatible with most.

Things will be different in a few months, most likely.

I'll share the whole document after some formatting/editing work, but here's an excerpt:

January 3, 2006

Travelling and talking, exporing and seeking, I’ve done my share of them all, but somehow it all leads back INSIDE. The outer world, the people we meet all as projections, reflections, refractions of the Love that exists inside.

Really, there’s nowhere to go (though it’s beautiful to explore) because it’s all HERE, NOW. Somehow these ideas resonate but I know my understanding is limited at this juncture in so-called space and time.

The key to me it seems is Presence, being here now, paying attention, bringing the multislacking mind back to the centre, the light (whatever we call it, however it’s experienced) and embracing it all (including our pain and transgressions) as Perfect.

There are no mistakes on the journey.

another option:
recognizing that past moments linger
both in the body
and in timelines
see that at some level
the past is still happening!

helpful hint:
go back to the pain points
& wrap them in a blanket of comforting love

make this a habit
and one day
in a moment of forgetting
you may find yourself embraced and lifted
by a brighter & wiser version
of your Self

(with respect to the spiritual teacher Brian Baruch)

August 22, 2006

I am now ready, willing, and able to persevere with ease and grace in the face of any doubts, either in my head or reflected outside of me by others. I understand that anything in my life I don’t like is a reflection of WHO I WAS and that by changing WHO I AM NOW I will shape and transform my future. I forgive myself for everything and know that this journey has happened this way for a reason. I choose to learn my lesson and move on to the next chapter.

I am now choosing who I want to be and getting aligned with that in each moment with my thoughts, words, and actions as best I can with no regrets.

I imagine some will get tossed, but that I'll also find a few useful gems that can be used in other writing projects.

The earliest one is from 2001, around the time I threw out everything I'd written up to that point.

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