I haven't updated this page much lately, I've wondered if anyone really reads this other than 3 or 4 friends.
Right now I'm living in Toronto, doing a cubicle job and playing music as much as possible. The work I'm doing suits me (data management) but I'm underpaid and receive no benefits because I'm "on contract" (renewals every 6 months, for now) which I think is an immoral accounting trick. I'm looking but not holding my breath.
I get by OK because I live quite simply and have no kids, pets, TV, car, or debt payments. I think I could do better financially and am looking into obtaining some kind of tech credential, probably related to working with databases. I understand that my "life's work" and my livelihood may never be the same thing and that's OK.
I'm playing drums in a band that sounds amazing live, but we haven't put together any recordings that do it justice yet. I don't think we'll ever be popular, but the music is fantastic and the way it feels even in practice is a major peak experience, every week. I've also recently joined another group that is more gentle and mellow and I still play flute and sing. I also go to drum circles and many concerts. I feel music more viscerally than most, and that alone is enough to keep me going, to give me a sense of purpose in life.
Lately I've been thinking about writing more than I write but that's changing. I have about 200 pages of a novel and I'm going to cut out the boring parts and retool everything. I'm aware that I've been "going to" do this for awhile but yet I'm confident that when it's time, it will happen.
I'm older but still look mostly the same, if not better. I'd like to find someone to "be with" but not liking TV alone makes me incompatible with most.
Things will be different in a few months, most likely.
I've just finished transcribing my old stack of journals! I didn't type up everything, just what I felt might be worth sharing.
I'll share the whole document after some formatting/editing work, but here's an excerpt:
January 3, 2006
Travelling and talking, exporing and seeking, I’ve done my share of them all, but somehow it all leads back INSIDE. The outer world, the people we meet all as projections, reflections, refractions of the Love that exists inside.
Really, there’s nowhere to go (though it’s beautiful to explore) because it’s all HERE, NOW. Somehow these ideas resonate but I know my understanding is limited at this juncture in so-called space and time.
The key to me it seems is Presence, being here now, paying attention, bringing the multislacking mind back to the centre, the light (whatever we call it, however it’s experienced) and embracing it all (including our pain and transgressions) as Perfect.
There are no mistakes on the journey.
I've pulled out an old suitcase full of journals and am going to go through them to see what I can find.
I imagine some will get tossed, but that I'll also find a few useful gems that can be used in other writing projects.
The earliest one is from 2001, around the time I threw out everything I'd written up to that point.
I'm feeling really at home in Toronto and am playing a lot of music! My band Giant Triangle has its first gig on October 12, and I've been going to a lot of drum circles & jam sessions. I also played for an outdoor yoga class at the Junction Music Festival this weekend. I still have a day job but I'm finding the more I focus on music, the better things go in all aspects of my life. I feel like not depending on music for money allows me to be less stressed & more creative (though I wish I had more time for it!) It's about improving my own musical skills and spending as much time in "the zone" as possible. Good times.
Haven't written since Entheos.
I've decided to pull myself free of it [as an organizer] even though I still love everyone. It is too challenging to live in Toronto and have so much time and focus on something faraway in BC.
Of course there are some things to deal with post-event and I'll oblige but more & more this feels like the right decision.
The Entheos Gathering has been a big part of my life for the past 6 years and this year was tragic and difficult, yet more heart opening than any experience in my life thus far.
I will endeavour to write up my own feelings about what happened soon.
Entheos community comes together in wake of homicide
With word starting to get around, the organizers wanted the veterans in the scene to know the facts, to help maintain calm. This had been a very relaxing, peaceful festival up until that point. I hadn't seen any acts of aggression. Throughout the weekend, I only saw people love, laugh and live together. Old friends reunited, strangers played games with each other, dozens of children and dogs ran free. They ate, drank, meditated, learned and celebrated openly yet consciously. They covered themselves in colours, danced in the rain and laughed at lightning. It was beautiful.
General personal update:
I'm working at a job that I like and am well-suited for but the pay isn't great. It's enough, but only because I don't have kids, a mortgage, pets, cable TV, or a car. I'm on contract until August & expect to be renewed but would prefer to be offered a "permanent" job at a more fair salary but time will tell.
I'm still playing drums in Giant Triangle and I am itching to play live gigs. We've just added a new member (again) and I'm hoping it will come together soon. Whatever happens with that, improving my drum skills is a major source of joy in my life.
I still think about BC a lot, but feel like I'm supposed to be in Toronto right now. I've got to love it while I'm here! I am however looking forward to a brief visit to the West for Entheos in a few short weeks.
I'm still working on my novel and I will finish it, though I confess that I generally find writing to be a grind. That said, I'm happy with how the story is going and if I don't pay attention to it for awhile the characters start haunting my dreams.
Otherwise, I'm glad it's finally warm outside and I'll be out exploring on my bicycle as much as possible until the snow comes again.
Today I paid off my credit cards for the first time in many years :)
Onward and forward...